The working mother
By Eda LeShan, B.S., M.A.
Some mothers feel worried and guilty if they hold jobs that take them
away from their families. Others, who find personal fulfillment in
homemaking and motherhood, are made to feel like second-class citizens.
Neither of these negative attitudes is valid. The truth is that women
can find personal fulfillment whether they are full-time homemakers or
have a job outside the home.
Some preschool children thrive on group experience in a first-rate
nursery school.
The young mother who considers working away from home is most likely to
be influenced by four major factors:
She is concerned about the psychological effect on her children,
especially if they are quite young.She is experiencing a new consciousness of her needs and rights as a
woman because of the growing influence of the Women’s Liberation
Movement.She is aware that she is living in a climate that discourages large
families, and may have to think seriously of other avenues of
personal fulfillment.Finally, today’s young mother can expect to have better health and
live longer than did her mother. Even if she finds complete
fulfillment as a mother and homemaker, she may want to prepare
herself for the years when her children are grown and no longer
require as much of her time and energy.
Whatever social forces influence the young mother, going to work will
create many special and practical problems.
Concerns of all working mothers
The question that often occurs to working mothers is whether they are
short-changing their children. In general, the working mother is
concerned about the quality of the time she spends with her children
because she knows how limited the quantity of time is. Mothers who
stay at home are less likely to worry about this. And, sometimes, a
mother’s mere physical presence at home may become a substitute for
emotional involvement in her children’s lives.
Often the working mother is so conscious of the pitfalls of
psychological neglect of her children she may go overboard in the other
direction. For example, mothers who feel guilty about working tend to
read most often to their children, to “play house” when their feet are
killing them, or to play endless games with a sick child.
Children do not need constant attention to know they are loved. No child
will grow up suffering from nervous and mental damage because mother
sometimes says, “Darling, I can’t play with you now, I’m too tired.”
Mothers who stay home say the same thing after cleaning a stove or
waxing a floor. What children need most of all is the abiding sense that
they count most when the chips are down.
Of course, there are times when a mother should recognize that her own
needs must be set aside—that her greatest responsibility is to her
child. A mother’s job may be very important to her, but when her child
is in real trouble, priorities become very clear.
Another serious concern for all working mothers is the fact that there
are so few satisfactory resources for the care of young children, as
well as planned and properly supervised after-school play programs for
older children. Fine nurseries and day-care centers are in short supply.
There are a great many that are inadequate at best and may be damaging
at worst. At present, many working mothers are involved in trying to get
their communities to provide better child-care facilities for children
of all ages. (For additional information, see [Day care] in
For Special Consideration.)
Some preschool children thrive on early group experience in a first-rate
nursery school. Some are not ready for such an experience until they are
4 or 5 years old. Most young children catch many colds and childhood
illnesses during the first year at school. Then they begin to build up
better immunity. Some 2-year-olds thrive on an eighthour day in a gi’oup
setting, but some become overtired and cranky after an hour and a half.
Children differ greatly in how early they can be separated from their
mothers or from a mother substitute in the home. This means that the
working mother needs time to eval
uate her child’s needs and possible reactions so that she can make the
best possible arrangements for child care. She also needs a list of
reliable baby sitters. She may need an experienced grandmother with free
morning hours who can be called on when a child is sick, or an energetic
teenager who is willing to play outdoors with a child after school.
There is no way of knowing in advance when children will need their
mother’s attention most. Sometimes young children are quite happy with a
baby sitter or attending nursery school or a day-care center, and then
begin having learning problems when they start school. Some mothers work
until their children are teenagers, then quit because they feel this is
the most crucial time—the time their children need them most.
The single working mother
Single mothers are mothers without partners to help share the burden of
supporting and caring for their children. They may be widowed,
separated, divorced, or unmarried.
The single working mother’s concern for her children’s welfare is
usually very intense, because she is isolated and completely responsible
for her children’s welfare. When she or her children are ill, or when
she is exhausted at the end of a day, she has no one to whom she can
turn for help at all times.
The single working mother needs to think of ways to provide loving
father substitutes for her children—a favorite uncle to babysit on a
Saturday afternoon; a retired grandpa who can take a child to an
afterschool dental appointment or to the barber shop; a neighbor father
who is willing to include her children in the backyard games he plays
with his own children.
Because she has to work, the single mother tends to take less satisfying
jobs than the mother who has a choice. This, combined with the burden of
full parental responsibility, often results in what one mother called “a
life that is never for me.” The single working mother needs to devote
thought to how she can nourish her own life. She cannot be a good mother
to her children unless she cares about herself.
The married working mother
Many married women also have little or no choice about taking an outside
job. A husband may be working part-time while studying for a profession.
He may be unemployed for a long period, or have a long illness. When
there is no choice about the wife’s working, both parents need to
explore ways to help each other with child care and household chores.
However, couples should do some genuine soul-searching about the phrase
have to work. Sometimes a woman who wants to work for her own
fulfillment feels guilty. She may feel that she is selfish and unfair to
her family, yet at the same time she will convince herself and her
husband that she has to work because the family income is inadequate
even when it is not. If this is the case, she damages herself and her
children by denying an important truth about her nature. She may also
unnecessarily damage her husband’s self-esteem.
The mother who has a real choice about whether to work needs to take a
hard look at the situation before she decides to take a job. Will the
additional income really make a difference? Or will the cost of baby
sitters, nurseries, additional taxes, extra clothes, lunches out, and
transportation actually make taking a job a luxury? Is the cost too high
in terms of the family’s emotional needs at this particular time?
Husbands of working mothers
Husbands should not feel that their masculinity is threatened by
changing a diaper, washing dishes, or cooking a meal. In a true marital
partnership both parents can find ways to share in all areas of child
care and household chores.
The mature woman will consider her husband’s needs. Some men feel
threatened by a wife who has a rich, rewarding life of her own. Husbands
and wives need to keep lines of communication open between them at all
times so that they can work out any conflicting feelings they may have,
arrive at
acceptable compromises, and show continuing respect for each other’s
needs.
Time and changing roles
Women need a sense of perspective about time and changing roles. The
period when children are truly dependent is short. It is wise to think
in the broadest terms about how to plan one’s life.
Women must accept the fact that no matter what their decision about
working, there will be frustrations, fatigue, boredom, and uncertainty.
A crowded subway at the rush hour, impatient demanding bosses, and TV
dinners three nights in a row may be no less harrowing than colicky
babies, sleepless nights, and lack of adult stimulation.
Indeed, having a job outside the home may sometimes seem mad, especially
on the day your child cries because you can’t get to the school play or
you come home tired and realize you forgot to defrost the meat you were
going to have for dinner.
Having two careers is not for everyone. Many talented and energetic
women enjoy their professions so much that to cut them off from this,
even briefly, would play havoc with their lives. These women must follow
their own needs and understand that if they stifle their needs they may
become emotional cripples. And such people cannot be good influences on
their children. They cannot feel truly loving toward others unless,
first of all, they care about their own lives.
If we care deeply about teaching our children those ethical values that
will lead to good human relationships, the first lesson must be that
only when we respect our own talents and possibilities are we capable of
offering equal respect to others. To want to fulfill oneself is not
selfish—on the contrary, the fulfilled person feels a deep joy in
being alive and communicates it to everyone. If we want our children to
search for their own best potentialities, the best way to help them is
to be this kind of person ourselves
Michele Prior, R.N., M.S.N. Consulting Editor
