Sex and your child
By James Walters, Ph.D., and Lynda Walters, Ph.D.
Increasingly, parents want their children to develop the attitude that
sex is a normal, natural part of life, and that sexual feelings are
healthy and desirable. Sexual behavior, however, requires
responsibility, not only because it can result in pregnancy, social
disease, and AIDS, but because it can result in guilt feelings that are
damaging to sexual functioning in adulthood.
Infants spend considerable time touching and exploring their bodies. We
smile at the sight of a baby chewing on a toe, but our response may be
less accepting if the infant rubs his or her genitals. It is important
for parents to understand that rubbing the genital
area—masturbation—is natural and does not reflect precocious
sexuality.
Having pride in one’s body contributes to a healthy self-concept. If
children are taught that nudity is shameful, they may conclude that the
body is something to be ashamed of. This feeling may be carried into
adulthood.
Discussing sex with your child
Sex should be talked about. Many people believe that if they avoid
discussing sex, their children will not become sexually active. But not
discussing sex only means that parents will not know about their
children’s sexual values and behavior. A wall of silence between parents
and children is particularly unfortunate in the light of research
indicating the misconceptions children and youth have about sex.
For one thing, many young people believe that they are more sexual than
their par
ents. Because they think their parents do not understand their feelings,
young people often find it difficult to discuss their sexuality. Part of
the problem is that many adults have learned to keep their sexual
feelings hidden, and they convey this idea to their children.
Another problem is that we tend to live with a number of myths. For
example, many people believe that sex education for children may lead to
less responsible sexual behavior. There is no evidence to support this
belief. For another, some fathers believe that an open show of affection
toward a son is unmanly and may cause the boy to grow up preferring
sexual responses from people of his own sex. Again, there is no evidence
to support this belief. But these myths persist, and actually prevent us
from creating the kind of environment that will contribute toward the
healthy sexual development of our children.
People have different values about sex. Children will understand your
values only if you clearly indicate what they are and why you hold
them. Of course, for very young children you’ll need to keep your
explanations simple. Older children, however, will profit from an
explanation.
Parents who do discuss sex with their children are often too serious.
They label and describe body parts and functions without communicating
the most important message of all: sex is a means by which grown people
share their love.
Other parents teach about the birds and flowers in order to avoid
talking about human sexual intercourse. Yet, describing
sexual intercourse isn’t all that difficult. You can do it.
Your child may ask, “Where is your vagina?” or “Where is your penis?”
Simply say, “My vagina (or penis) is right here,” and place your hand
there.
Remember, the exact words you use aren’t as important as the feelings
you convey. If you reflect embarrassment, your child will think that sex
is something to be embarrassed about. If you reflect shock, your child
will think that there is something shocking about sex.
Specific details about menstruation can be left to preadolescence, at
which time both boys and girls need to be informed.
Helping a child accept his or her sexuality, and so grow into a sexually
responsible adult, is an important responsibility of parents. Letting
someone else do it will not ensure a satisfactory result.
Sexual influences of the media
Children learn a great deal about sexual behavior from television,
motion pictures, magazines, comic books, and newspapers. But it is
difficult for them to sort out the facts. Some of what they learn is
likely to be in error. Even if the information is not wrong, the values
communicated may violate those of parents.
Parents can guide movie and television viewing by setting rules. Make a
point of knowing what movies or television programs your child wants to
see. When you believe that something is objectionable, you might say,
“This is an adult film (or program). It isn’t meant for children.”
You may discover that your child has a magazine with highly explicit
sexual material to which you object. To explain how you feel, you could
say, “This magazine really bothers me. I feel that love is an important
part of sex. This magazine leaves out the most important part of all.”
Guidance should lead to increasing selfdirection. If you attach too much
importance to what you forbid, you may inadvertently stimulate your
child’s curiosity. And, in so doing, you may lead the child to satisfy
this curiosity behind your back.
Sexual problems in our society
In the course of growing up, children learn that some forms of sexual
expression are more acceptable than others. But, without some guidelines
from their parents, children may respond with naivete, fear, or disgust.
Realistically, children must be taught some caution in their
interactions with strangers. However, not all child molesters are
strangers. Frequently, children are acquainted with the people who make
sexual advances toward them. Teach your child to say, “Leave me alone or
I will tell my parents!” In many cases, fear of exposure will deter the
offender.
If the offender is a stranger, fear of exposure may not be so great.
Tell your child to scream and run to an adult. In every case, children
should report such incidents to their parents. They should never be made
to feel guilty if overtures are made to them.
A thought to remember
The most important thing to remember in educating children sexually is
that parents do not have to convey to them many of the negative messages
the parents themselves may have learned as children.
There are better ways. Hiding sex, or pretending it doesn’t exist in
children, doesn’t contribute to the development of responsible sexual
behavior. Recognizing that sex is important, and preparing your children
for it, does.
Julie Giesy, R.N., M.S.N.
Consulting Editor
