Moving
By Gladys Gardner Jenkins, M.A.
Moving can be an exciting adventure or an uncomfortable disruption in
your child’s life. But since children usually follow the lead of their
parents, the degree of excitement or uneasiness that your child feels
will depend largely on your attitude toward the move and how you explain
it.
Most children, especially those who have close friends or who have
formed strong ties to people, places, and the routines of the old
neighborhood, will feel sad at leaving. But beyond such normal regrets,
how you act can give your child either a dread of the unknown or an
eagerness to tackle a new and interesting life experience.
A move can be a valuable educational benefit. It can help your child
learn to meet new situations and adapt to new ways of doing things. The
challenge of adjusting to a new situation is probably better preparation
for life than the false sense of security that often results from a lack
of change.
Preparing your child for the move
If your child is old enough to understand, you should explain why the
family is making the move. Perhaps it is necessary because a parent has
a new job, or is being transferred. Maybe someone in the family is ill
and must have change of climate. Or maybe you are just moving to a
different neighborhood. Whatever the reason for a move, children will
probably accept the fact that they are leaving much that is familiar and
dear to them if they understand why the move is necessary.
If it is possible, parents should go to the new community, visit the
neighborhood in which the family will live, and talk to some of the
people who live there. They should also investigate housing and school
facilities. They can then give their children a clear picture of what it
might be like to live in the new place. If a trip such as this is not
possible, it is still a good idea to find out as much as possible about
the family’s future home. If the family is planning a move to another
part of the country, or to another country, it will be helpful to get
together to study maps and read stories and articles about the area
where they will live.
Also, the family should discuss any aspects of the move that may present
problems for them, such as difference in climate, difference in
attitudes and customs of the people who live in the new neighborhood, or
a lack of the kind of facilities to which family members are accustomed
in their present neighborhood. Whenever possible, parents should explain
unfamiliar local customs to their children so that the children will
become interested in the many different ways people do things, and will
respect rather than scorn such differences.
If you are moving to an area where you anticipate real hardships because
of climate, inadequate housing, or inadequate schools, you should give
your child some idea of what the hardships are likely to be. At the same
time you should make the child understand that as a family in which each
member helps, there is no reason why your family will not be able to
cope with any difficulty that may be encountered.
Problems you may meet
Even with the best preparation, your child may have some deep emotional
reaction to moving. Often, anxiety over the welfare of a pet that cannot
be taken along may precipitate an emotional crisis. You can relieve your
child’s anxiety by letting the child help find a good home for the pet.
Your child’s attachment to friends may be so genuine and intense that
the child will be distressed by leaving them. You can help lessen this
distress by suggesting that an exchange of letters and postcards will
keep the friendship going, and that later on perhaps there can be
visits.
Leaving friends may be especially hard on a child to whom a close friend
or membership in a club, special group, or an athletic team has meant
the security that goes with the sense of really belonging. The child in
the last year of elementary school may be quite upset by the move. The
child has probably been looking forward to this last year in the old
school. A child this age may feel strange in the new school and may have
difficulty becoming part of already formed groups. Membership in some of
the smaller community, church, or synagogue groups which usually welcome
newcomers may help the child feel more at ease.
Usually, social groups in an elementary school are not so exclusive or
as tightly knit as they are in a high school. In general, a child who is
good at games or who is friendly and outgoing will be accepted into a
group almost casually. Also, it is easier for parents of younger
children to get to know each other through informal neighborhood
meetings or through the PTA. It is a rare community where neighbors will
not welcome you. Most people have had some experience with moving and
establishing their families in a new community, and they expect to
welcome newcomers. The friendly atmosphere makes it easier for your
child to meet other boys and girls and to develop new friendships and
interests.
If your child is shy or timid or shows much uneasiness in the new
situation, the child will need your support when entering
the new school. Take the child to school before he or she is to begin
classes and introduce the child to the principal, the teacher, and if
possible some future classmates. If the child has difficulty with
schoolwork, or has physical problems such as poor coordination, vision,
or hearing, the school should know about them. The school should also
know about any special abilities. Most teachers want to be helpful, but
they can do their best only when they are aware of your child’s special
needs.
Sometimes a child appears to have adjusted to the move without any
difficulty. But after the initial excitement has worn off, there is an
emotional slump. It may be that school is not as challenging or as
stimulating as it was in the old community. It also may be that the new
school is quite a bit more challenging than the previous one, so that
the child is having trouble keeping up with the new classmates. Or it
could be that there is trouble finding compatible new friends. Help the
child make the best of circumstances. Talk to the teachers. They might
be able to help the child find more interests, or they might be able to
help the child find more congenial friends. If the school is inadequate,
provide books and materials the child can use at home. Encourage
personal hobbies, and increase family trips to places of interest.
It is not unusual for a well-adjusted child to feel lonely, restless,
and moody after a move. But if your child was already unhappy, the move
may increase the anxiety. You may have to turn to someone trained to
help you understand the basic causes of your youngster’s unhappiness.
Most youngsters, however, settle into the new community within a period
of months. Their adjustment is helped considerably if the experience of
the move has given the secure feeling that, “Wherever we live we are a
family. We can make a home and meet all kinds of circumstances.” This is
a fine way to establish the emotional security that will support a child
throughout life.
Julie Giesy, R.N., M.S.N. Consulting Editor
