Divorce
By Stella Chess, M.D.
Divorce is an upsetting experience for everyone involved. It is
especially difficult for children to accept the threat to the security
that comes from living with united and loving parents. But divorce need
not permanently damage children’s emotional development if parents learn
to handle the problems that may arise from this major change in the
children’s lives.
Telling your child about divorce
When divorce becomes inevitable, children should be told about it. By
the time parents have reached the point at which living together is no
longer possible, even young children will be aware of the tension. If
children are not aware of what is going to happen, they may be upset,
believing the truth is too terrible to know.
It is not unusual for children to think that they are responsible for
the split between their parents. They may remember times when they were
the cause of disagreements between them. Or they may think of times they
wished one of the parents would leave and never come back. Suddenly they
see this wish coming true, and they feel guilty and ashamed.
How to explain the reasons for a divorce depends on the children’s age
and their ability to understand. Above all, they should be helped to
understand that the divorce is not their fault. A 3-year-old will
probably be satisfied with “Daddy is not going to live with us any
more.” An older child may want to know why and can be told, “Your father
(or mother) and I are not happy together and so we are going to try
living in different houses to see if we will be happier that way. If we
are, we will get a divorce. We will tell you about it as soon as we are
sure.” When parents take their children into their confi
dence and let them know what is happening each step of the way, the
children feel less bewildered and shut out. At the same time, children
should be made to understand that parents, even if divorced, do not stop
loving and being responsible for their children.
When you break the news of a divorce to your child, do it as calmly as
you can. No matter how bitter or angry you may be, try not to speak of
the other parent in an unfavorable way. There is no harm in explaining
why you and the other parent could not get along, but don’t burden your
child with all the details. Never force the child to take sides. It is
unfair, especially when the child needs to know that he or she is still
loved by both parents, even though they no longer love each other.
If a parent deserts the family, do not hold out false hopes that the
parent will return. Waiting for a thing that may not happen is harder on
the child than being told the truth.
Sharing feelings
No one who has been through the emotional shock of a divorce can act as
though nothing has happened. Do not weep on your child’s shoulder, but
if you are unhappy at times, there is no reason why you should not share
your feelings. If you can convince yourself and the child that you will
be happier as time passes, both of you will adjust to the situation more
easily.
Now and then all children feel anger toward their parents, even if there
has been no divorce. But divorce may bring out an unusual amount of
resentment. Children should express their anger. No matter how
understanding of the divorce they seem to be, they may secretly feel
that if their parents had tried harder, they could have kept
the family intact. Sometimes children will not voice their resentment
because they think the parents may “divorce” them as well. Instead,
children may act out their resentment. They may refuse to eat, bite
their fingernails, or begin to lie.
Let your child know that you understand how he or she feels, and assure
the child that no matter how angry you may become with each other, it is
not the same kind of anger that led to the divorce. Children need to be
able to act out their “bad” feelings and to know that it is safe for
them to be angry.
Visiting the other parent
Unless it is impossible, your child needs to be able to visit the other
parent. There are no set rules regarding the amount of time to be spent
with each parent, but it is generally believed that an equal division of
time may confuse the child. The child will feel more secure if there is
one home where the greater part of time is spent—a place to belong.
The child should be able to say, “This is where I live,” and “This is
where I visit.”
In most cases, it is best to have the court set up visiting
arrangements. Visits should be regular, and parents should try to keep
to the schedule. For the child under 4, daytime visits are usually more
satisfactory. An older child may want to spend the night with the other
parent. This may be good, if the experience is a happy one and does not
increase strain between the parents.
As a child grows older, the legal an’ange- ments concerning visits—and
possibly custody—may well be reviewed and revised to fit the child’s
changing circumstances, interests, and needs.
A parent shouldn’t compete for a child’s love by giving expensive
presents and making every visit a holiday. This is unfair to the
“stay-with” parent. It is obviously easier for a parent to make a child
feel that the child is more fun to be with when the parent is not
bothered by the responsibilities of living with the child daily.
If after visits your child makes unfavorable comparisons between you and
the other parent, perhaps you are taking the weight of your
responsibilities too heavily. Perhaps
you should spend more time enjoying and less time trying to improve your
child. Both parents must keep in mind that down-to- earth caring,
understanding, and discipline when needed are more valuable gifts than
anything that can be bought.
When a parent remarries
A parent’s remarriage is another change in the child’s life. If you plan
to remarry, let the child know what to expect.
Some children adapt easily to suddenly having a new parent, relatives,
and perhaps brothers and sisters. Other children feel that the change
means being left out or taking second place in a parent’s affections. It
is important for children to know that the change will not affect the
way their parents feel about them.
When visiting a parent who has remarried, the child needs to spend time
when just the two of them can talk, read, and enjoy things together. The
child also needs time to get to know the stepparent. It is not unusual
for a child to resent the stepparent at first. But if the stepparent is
patient and loving, the resentment will disappear.
When a new baby arrives in any family, there is bound to be some
jealousy and bad feeling. Half brothers and half sisters are no more
immune to rivalry than full brothers and sisters. Allow your child to
express any bad feelings about the baby. The child may say, “You spend
all your time with the baby and every time we go anywhere you take the
baby with us. I liked it better before. I’m going to stay with my
daddy.” Don’t scold or lecture the child. The storm will blow over. Help
your child find new interests and friends to alleviate the child’s
dependency on you.
Each parent of a divorce must help the child adjust to changing
circumstances, but neither parent should dictate to the other how the
child is to be treated. If there are problems, and if both parents are
willing, they may get together to discuss them. Both parents must try to
make their child feel loved and comfortable no matter which parent the
child happens to be with.
\’ Julie Giesy, R.N., M.S.N.
Consulting Editor
