Common concerns

Common concerns

Toilet training

Successful potty training is probably the most significant and
potentially stressful task facing a toddler. Knowing exactly what your
toddler must learn will increase your under­standing of the process of
potty training.

Learning to use the potty is a very grad­ual process. A child must have
physical con­trol and be able to understand what is ex­pected. Most
children do not have reliable daytime control of their muscles until
they are 21/2 to 3 years old. Nighttime control may not be gained until
3 or 4 years. Boys usually take longer to train than girls.

In order to successfully use the potty, the child must:

• Understand what you want;

• Realize what is about to happen—and tighten the appropriate
  muscles;

• Get to the bathroom;

• Undress;

• Get safely on the potty (often trying this with pants down around
  the ankles);

• Relax the muscles; and

• Get off the potty, pull up the pants, and complete all the hygiene
  tasks.

With all of this in mind, do yourself and your toddler a favor. Wait
until your child is ready. Starting too early is very frustrating for
everyone concerned.

Before beginning on the potty training, help your child to understand
what this is all about: what urine and feces are; where they come from
and where you want them to go.

Children learn by imitating. Give your toddler the vocabulary a child
needs to talk about going to the bathroom, and help your

child learn to use those words at the appro­priate times. Keep all
references to the potty and body functions positive. Avoid acting like
body products are dirty or messy. You want your child to tell you when
he or she has to go.

Toddlers want to be able to do things for themselves, so dress your
child in elastic- waisted pants sized big enough to pull down
independently. Avoid snaps, zippers, and overalls. Use disposable
diapers for a while so your child can unfasten the tapes. Intro­duce “big
kid” training pants.

Finally, introduce your child to the potty chair. The type that sits on
the floor allows your child to feel more secure because the feet are
firmly on the ground.

There are two basic readiness signals to look for before beginning potty
training. First, there is physical readiness, indicated by having dry
pants for longer periods of time. Second, there is cognitive readiness,
indicated when your child begins to use the words you’ve taught in order
to tell you what is happening when he or she begins to urinate or have a
bowel movement in the diaper or pants.

Now is the time to suggest that your child sit on the potty several
times a day. Both boys and girls should sit on the potty, be­cause
standing to urinate is difficult for little boys to manage. They are
still too short to aim over the edge of the potty. Choose likely
times—after meals or snacks, first thing in the morning, while the
bath water runs, or any time your toddler’s diaper has been dry for a
long time.

Make your toddler’s time on the potty pleasant, and let your child get
up as soon as he or she is ready to do so. Each time your child uses the
potty, give praise. There is no need for bribes of candy or toys.

Accidents will happen. Be patient. Never scold or punish your child for
having an accident. React casually and say that next time you’d like
your child to try to use the potty so the pants will stay dry.

If no progress has been made after a week or so, go back to diapers and
try again in several weeks.

Remember, you will need to be patient and loving and supportive of your
toddler. Accidents will happen after you think potty training has been
completed.

Temper tantrums

Being independent can be terribly frus­trating for toddlers. They have
the desire to do things beyond their abilities. They try very hard and
fail, or perhaps your rules or limits do not allow room to try something
your toddler is very anxious to do.

Because toddlers become frustrated so often and don’t have the
vocabulary to ex­plain themselves or put up a reasonable argument, temper
tantrums abound.

Temper tantrums are emotionally and physically exhausting for both you
and your toddler. Avoiding them is not easy. Toddlers experience
frustration as they learn to dress, to feed themselves, to build things,
and to play successfully. They are not able to judge or protect their
tolerance levels in order to avoid emotional explosions.

Most toddlers have tantrums—some more than others. But as their skills
develop and they become less frustrated, temper tan­trums decrease. As
their language skills improve, toddlers are able to talk about their
feelings instead of kicking and hitting.

Preventing tantrums or defusing one that has started is not easy. Your
goal should be to keep a tantrum from starting. Although this demands a
great deal of patience and creativity, it is often less taxing than
coping with a kicking and screaming toddler.

Try to keep your toddler out of situations that are too overwhelming,
including toys and activities geared toward older children

with higher levels of small- or large-muscle coordination. In general,
make sure that the toys available are appropriate for your tod­dler and
that your toddler can play with them independently with success. If
there are not enough interesting toys around, your bored but curious
toddler will head for things that are off limits to touch.

As something becomes frustrating, help your toddler in a way that lets a
young child successfully complete the task. Your toddler will feel good,
and you will have avoided a tantrum. Another option is to redirect your
child. For instance, saying “Those blocks are having trouble staying on
top of each other, so let’s try building another way instead” gives your
child another more appropriate way to play with the blocks.

All parents worry that if they don’t stop a tantrum toddlers will hurt
themselves, but children rarely hurt themselves during tem­per tantrums.
You will not be able to elimi­nate temper tantrums, but you should make
every effort to control them.

There are two approaches to controlling tantrums: (1) to ignore them;
(2) to hold and comfort your child during a tantrum.

You can ignore a tantrum by standing near your toddler until it
subsides, or you can leave the room or carry your child to a special
place to calm down away from the rest of the family. By successfully
ignoring your tantrumy toddler, you will avoid feeling bad and giving in
to the tantrum.

In dealing with your toddler, acknowledge those hard-to-handle feelings:
“I can see you’re very angry because the blocks keep falling down, but
I’m going to leave until you calm down. When you’re ready to talk to me,
let me know.”

You can also reduce your toddler’s frustra­tion by giving in a little
yourself. Allow your toddler to wear that striped shirt with the plaid
pants if it’s really important. Think carefully before you automatically
say “no.” But if you wait until the tantrum has started and then say
“yes,” you will reinforce the temper tantrum.

This does not mean that you will always do what your toddler asks, but
that you will say “no” only when the answer really is “no.” Stick with
your decision, tantrum or no tantrum.

As a tantrum subsides, you can help your child regain control. Cuddle
your child; say you’re sorry the child was so upset and you’re glad he
or she is feeling better.

Public tantrums will upset you more than tantrums at home. Do not have a
battle with your child because you are embarrassed. Look for a quiet
place where you can help your child cool down. It may be the end of a
grocery store aisle or in your car. If you are visiting, ask your host
if there is a room that you might use.

“No! No! No!”

A toddler’s first word may be “Mamma” and the second may be “Daddy.” Or
the first may be “Daddy” and the second “Mamma.” Here the language
controversy usually ends, because it is almost universally accepted that
a toddler’s third word will be “No.” Why? Because toddlers hear the word
so much from their parents.

At 18 to 24 months, toddlers who are developing normally will shake
their heads, say “No,” and look at their parents while touching “taboo”
objects like a hot stove, television knobs, or the garbage. They are
learning self-control, but someone has to teach it to them. And parents
are the ones who have to do it. Toddlers who are doing dangerous things
have to be disciplined— there will be time for the social niceties
later on. At this stage in a toddler’s life, the par­ents’ main
responsibility is to keep the child whole.

In dealing with your toddler, don’t frus­trate yourself by setting up
occasions for discipline. Remove valuable and dangerous things from
view. Keep your favorite bric- a-brac out of reach for a few months. Do
not offer a toddler a large, fat, slippery glass of juice. The child
will most likely spill it and you will find yourself saying “No! No!
No!”

There should, of course, be a good number of “Yes” situations
about—some places where toddlers can make a mess with clay or blocks,
pull-apart toys, and some paper that can be ripped up. Children who hear
“No” too often may develop a poor self­image. They may go through life
thinking that they cannot do anything right.

Jealousy toward a new baby

No matter what a child is told about the joys of having a brother or a
sister, the older child nonetheless feels jealous of the new baby. A
toddler is no exception. The toddler feels dethroned from the central
and exclusive position formerly enjoyed in the affection of his or her
parents. Even though the parents try to reassure the toddler of their
continuing love, the child sees that love is now no longer his or her
monopoly but obviously shared with the baby. Because the toddler depends
on this love, the baby appears as a rival who threatens his or her
status.

Jealousy assumes many forms. Each of these has a double purpose: to
express hos­tility and to attract greater amounts of pa­rental attention,
though not necessarily love. Some youngsters come right out with their
resentment. “I hate my brother! You don’t love me any more!” What is
called for is patient reassurance that feeling angry be­cause of the baby
is understandable—that the lot of an older child is indeed difficult
at times. Also point out that there are compen­sations, too. Given this
kind of sympathy, your youngster will usually return to his or her
former good disposition. This might also be a good time to step up
compensation—to give the older child special privileges, such as
staying up later at night, being read to more, and having more outings
with one or both parents.

Other children show their distress in a more roundabout fashion. They
may pretend that the baby belongs to another family and has only come to
visit. Or they may hug the baby too strenuously. Frequently, they
re­gress to other ways of coping with the world: thumb-sucking, clinging
to mother, insisting on having a bottle just like their new brother or
sister. Children who have been toilet-trained for some time may begin to
wet the bed at night or have daytime accidents. Deal with these
toddlers’ anxieties by reassuring them rather than reprimand­ing them.
They should be given a bottle if they request it. Parents should devote
more time to them and give them age- and status- appropriate activities
that make them feel that being more grown up is fun.